john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
