he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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