It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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