I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
