took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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