I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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