um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
false alarm, still single
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
