I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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