He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
