All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
