our cab driver is having phone sex.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
