new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
