I was born with a shot glass in my hand
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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