i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
