I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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