come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
