It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
