we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
