Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
