I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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