so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
