first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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