It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
