My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This baby is an asshole
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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