Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
