walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
