I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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