when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
