I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
