Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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