so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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