I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
