thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
