I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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