dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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