I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
