if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
