Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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