What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
