Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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