just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
