Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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