I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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