i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
this is an emotional support booty call
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
