Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
