They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
my liver is dry heaving
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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