She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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