I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
