you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
