Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
