There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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